Grief, as we know it.

Initially the shock, dismay and misbelief takes over, you get a pain in your stomach and you wonder will it ever go away. People gather very quick to support you, people are just fantastic to support you at a time. You do have to ask "is this a dream" a very bad one. It's very hard to comprehend it all and take it in. Everything happens so fast, you are catapulted into organising a funeral. A funeral, this couldn't be happening.

You organise friends to carry the coffin and their little belongings as gifts that they were here on this earth. The priest has dealt with this thousands of times, he's an expert at this. He is your shining star through this very very difficult time.

Hundreds of people come out to support the family for the funeral, you cant actually remember half of them, nor see them so condolence books are a great idea. And then just like that your loved one is under soil, this could not be happening. How can they put a man on the moon but they can't bring my loved one back to life? Why...... is such a small word but crosses your lips 500 times.

Then you head into the next stage, trying to get your head around it. Trying to cope with the empty room and all their belongings still sitting around, even their clothes still in the washing basket. This time they will not be returned to be wore. Their pajamas lie at the bottom of their bed and they are never going to be washed. You want to hold onto everything they ever touched.

You look at friends that have gone through this and now you realise the pain, off course they could never explain it to you and now you know what they were going through. A friend once explained to me how she felt about death, she said "you know its very like having a baby, you can not explain the pain to anyone, you only know the pain when your in it and you wouldn't wish it on your worse enemy" it really felt like that to me too.

Friends and family try to keep visiting to check in on you, every day is crying and every night you cry yourself to sleep. Visiting their grave is a daily activity and wanting to dig them up too. Heading to a shop is torture, people mean well but when someone asks you "are you ok?" its a natural reaction to ball, well it is for me.

The weeks go by and then months. Now after i have had children, i look at death like the opposite of learning to live with this new baby, its learning to live without a loved one, except its a thousand times in the other direction, if you know what i mean. When their friends call its comforting but also soo hard to see them without your loved one.

You try to get out and about again, some days are good and some days you just get mad when you see someone laughing, would you ever be able to do that again.

The first anniversary is already here and i'm still crying every day and night. You have every picture of them gathered at this stage and their belongings are still as they left them. You start to believe in butterflies and angels, off course you do, they are definitely signs sent to you by our loved one. You thank God for the beautiful memories you made and the time you got with them. No this doesn't happen easily but when you bury two family members in six months you really do thank God for memories made and everyone that is left. You realise this can happen again and you need to be very thankful for the family and friends around you. 

Fast forward 10 years, time goes by. You do not cry every day but not a day goes by that you don't talk to them and thank God for having them in your life. It changes your whole view on life. Material items do not matter, your happiness on this earth matters. The people you have on this earth matter. Family and friends matter. Kindness matters. Love matters.

"I can love because i have lost" this is what happens. I now have 4 beautiful kids and a very happy hubby and we all live life to the max, knowing what matters in life and never leaving the house without a kiss and "I love you" Looking back now, death is the best kick in life you could ever get, off course one you don't want but it makes you see life clearer and appreciate everyone you have x 

Now, if i could give you any advice it would be to live life to the max, in the right way, love, be kind, give, travel, spend time with people, laugh often and understand that you are the caretaker of your body on this earth, look after yourself x x

Sending virtual hugs 

Pauline ❤